LoneWolf Repose

Every Feburary 2 a cheeky little bastard known as “Punxsutawney Phil” pops out of a hole and predicts whether we will have a longer winter or early spring. For those of you who don’t own a television or a Road Mcnally; “Punxsutawney Phil” is named after the town of Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania.  I didn’t know how to spell either and that must be why this federal holiday is celebrated mainly in 3rd grade classrooms. What many of you might not know is the true origins of this day. Let me set the record straight.

Ever since Hitler lost World War II the last remaining Nazi’s were pissed. They had no more control and their future was grim. Something must be done they proclaimed. On one night of drinking they thought up a way to control others to make up for their loses and thus Groundhog Day was born. Brought over from German immigrants we have the last remaining Nazi who happens to be a rodent. He won’t stop at controlling the length of winter unless we put an end to this silly day.

Do you notice the similarities?

A Gimmick of a Day

No one really gives a shit about today. Groundhog Day is seen more as a gimmick than anything else. There are no decorations, parties, riots, protests, orgies, or mixed drinks named after today. There are aren’t even any bags of candy and Russell Stover doesn’t even make a chocolate filled marshmallow Groundhog. That Easter Bunny shitface gets all the press. The only press Groundhog Day gets is coverage on lackluster morning shows and a front-page newspaper article in your local newspaper. If you’re in 3rd grade and you had a spelling test today the only thing you might have gotten was extra credit for spelling Punxsutawney or Pennsylvania. If you spelled those right you probably don’t have any friends and sit in a corner at lunch.

What is it again? If he sees his shadow do we have early spring or more winter? Most people don’t know or don’t care unless of course you live in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania or celebrate Bill Murray’s entire collection on VHS. I DO celebrate Bill Murray and I happen to own everything on BluRay because I demand 1080p, damnit. I don’t celebrate Groundhog Day – I celebrate Bill Murray Day.

One of the best movies of all time.

Groundhog Day is the only “holiday” in which an animal determines the fate of a longer and more depressing winter or an early spring. The Easter Bunny doesn’t even predict anything except the rate of diabetes increasing by the second. I don’t trust it. I trust the Weather Channel, Al Roker, and Jack Horkheimer “Star Gazer” to my forecasting needs.

My forecast: That hot dog going into Al Roker’s fat face